Enter the Villain
Posted March 31, 2008 at 08:04 AM by Michael J. Sedor
Section: Beijing 2008, Beijing Results, Culture/History, Events, Aquatics, Special Features, Columns/Blogs, Quote of the Day, Videos, Michael Sedor
My personal Olympics villain has emerged. It’s a multi-headed animal full of America-disparaging quotes and replete with shady performance-enhancing rumors. They’re cocky, they have potty mouths, they pick fights, they brawl in barrooms after victories, they’re unbelievably beautiful, and their entire country and press adores them. Most importantly, they’re scarily good. Multiple world record setting good. So good they can do what they want good. And no, I’m not talking about the Chinese government. The beautiful part would disqualify them. My Darth Vader-level villain is the Australian swimming team. They want to be villains, they want to destroy, they want to be hated, and, most of all they want to win.
Exhibit A: Stephanie Rice, 19, and Eamon Sullivan, 22. world record holders in the 200m Individual Medley and 400m IM (Rice) and the 50m Freestlyle (Sullivan). I hate them both. They’re dating, they’re gorgeous, they hug and kiss in public, and the papers publish their glamorous slide shows. The Australian papers have dubbed them “Steamon” and lavished them with print space but still seem to share a little bit of the same “ugh, give-me-a-break attitude” as me. The (Melbourne) Age wrote how they “climbed the dais of love and broke a swag of world records” while noting that the “celebrity gene pool” has grown.
How did they initially celebrate that “swag” of worlds? Sullivan, who was told not to break the record by his coach, responded to his mentor with defiant impudence. “I thought, ‘Stuff him’, put my head down and my bum up and threw my arms around.” We have no idea what that means but the entire continent of Australia found it shocking and disrespectful so we do, too. The real question is this: why would a coach tell his athlete to go slower? Don’t tell anyone, but we’re siding with Sullivan in this matter.
When Rice broke her 400m individual-medley record she exited the pool, bowed to the crowd, and thanked them profusely for making her training and career possible. Actually, she dropped the f-bomb, said she broke the record held by “some Chinese person”, and said that any belief that she is on drugs “is all crap.”
Now, in all their post-world-record glory, the Posh and Becks of the pool are off to an undisclosed love nest where the (Brisbane) Courier-Mail reports they will “Turn on the TV, pull up a comfy chair and stuff their faces with chips and ice cream.” The paper continues to explain how Rice’s future plans include studying to become a nutritionist. In the meantime, their fairytale love story will continue, they might cash in on a few sponsorship opportunities, and the world will continue realizing that beautiful people have it so much easier.
Exhibit B: The rest of the team. It’s not just “Steamon” who are arrogant, talkative, and ornery. Every Australian swimmer always has something to say and it’s often something insulting to the world’s other swimmers. We followed one string here a few days ago. The constant taunting and the juicy gamesmanship that makes Australia’s swimmers so despicable and so ire-inducing also makes them infinitely compelling, so interesting, and so necessary. Evidently the taunting is an Aussie trait. This week the swimmer team was assigned an athlete mentor, famed cricketer Steve Waugh, who was known for his trash-talking skills a/k/a sledging. When asked if he needed to fine tune the team’s sledging skills he responded, “I think these guys have got it covered pretty well.”
They don’t just brawl in the papers, though; they also spar in bars. Shortly after qualifying for Beijing at the Australian Championships, 200m butterfly champ Nick D’Arcy, 20, allegedly broke the nose, jaw and eye socket of former Commonwealth Games breaststroke champ Simon Cowley. A few rearranged letters and it could have been the American Idol judge. Alas.
D’Arcy’s spot on the team is in jeopardy because of his violent action. But his fellow swimmers aren’t surprised. Former champion Matt Welsh chimed in (presumably unsolicited) with this comment on the Melbourne radio station 3AW: “Look I hate to say it but I guess I wasn’t surprised. I was disappointed. But, you know, he’s just one of those people.” How’s that for camaraderie? D’Arcy plans to quit swimming after Beijing and become a doctor like his father. His makeshift barroom surgery with Cowley was just practice.
Exhibit C: The Australian media. They love their team. They shower them with stories, praise, superlatives, and limitless attention. The swimmers are treated as rock stars. A villain and their exploits must matter domestically for absolute evil-dom to occur and unlike America’s swimmers, the Aussie media does not deem their aquatic stars to be athletic afterthoughts. The writers down under love the swimming soap opera sagas, they love publishing their quotes, and they even enjoy a little of their own taunting. Yesterday’s Sydney Morning Herald contained an article titled ”We’re set to smash ‘em like guitars in Beijing”. Those words should sound vaguely familiar; they were American Gary Hall, Jr.’s prediction of U.S. relay victory over the Australians eight years ago in Sydney. His prediction was wrong but that was eight years ago! Let it go, guys. Let it go.
Who am I kidding? I love these guys. I love everything I just harped on about. I love their defiance, I love their competitive spirit, and I love the seriousness and the attention their country lavishes upon them. That doesn’t mean I’m rooting for them instead of my American countrymen but I am ecstatic that rival competitors full of quotes and personality have emerged.